Hey guys, I’ve had a change of heart and a change of mind about the Final Fantasy VII Remake.

You see, I’m no longer disappointed at the Final Fantasy VII Remake. In fact, I’ve learned to lower my expectations. Now, my expectations are so low, that I no longer expect to get the product that I’m purchasing. I actually expect it not to be as described, so that I can say that I’m “open-minded”. It’s better than actually admitting that I’ve been scammed.

When corporations lie to me, I actually start to smile. It’s comforting to know that they care so little about me. This means they in fact do care, in not just a little, even if it’s just for my money. It’s not like I care about my money, or myself, because I don’t.

Please, Square Enix, shut up and take my money. Oh sorry, I didn’t mean to tell you to shut up. Sorry. It was just a joke. I’ll be quiet now. But please, take my money as a sincere apology for stepping out of line, and misinterpreting my ill-timed banter as criticism.

In fact, I consider Square Enix to be a personal friend whom I have yet to meet, so I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt they weren’t using deceptive business practices to make a sale for their shareholders. I know you have to make pre-order sales to show a healthy financial outlook of the company for stock markets, but far be it from Square Enix to hide information in order to do just this.

I don’t consider it twisting facts when I say that the Final Fantasy VII Remake is a remake, because I know that Square Enix doesn’t consider it twisting the facts either. I learn from the best. All I have to do is make a poorly thought out semantic argument about the nature of a “remake” appear as if it makes sense, so that I can pretend this was what I wanted all along.

Who knows, maybe I can fool more people with phony “remake” semantic arguments so that Square Enix can take their money too? That would be great for their company.

I hope they make enough money to make another game in this series so that I can buy the next mediocre installment. Some call it vicious. I call it “the circle of life”.

I will defend it despite any and all flaws I see. And why wouldn’t I? This is how I defend my self-esteem and my existence, which has been tied up into the hype of this game. If this game fails, and is no longer popular, it will remind me that I have failed in life, and am also not popular. Once this game is given a chance, you’ll see. You’ll all like me, then.

All of the other game journalists say it is good, so it’s unlikely they are doing so for clicks. I don’t care that their reviews sound like marketing descriptions, I trust them because their website traffic makes them an authority on the matter.

Oh, and for all of you who criticize the game, you’re being harsh, toxic and negative. You are angry and need to seek help immediately. There. This should be enough to write off your criticism.

Remember, the corporations didn’t need to sell you a padded piece of filler for the price of a full game, so you should be gracious you had enough money to give them for it. Thank you Square Enix, for all of the future installments you might make of this series.

So..yeah. Um, like, take a chill pill, man, and just go with it. It’s fun if you don’t think about the money you spent on it. Don’t ask questions. Just consume product and be excited for next product. Stop having opinions, simply take whatever you receive, be dead inside, and give up.

Like me.