At /r/FinalFantasy, my posts inspired others to make their own outlandish theories.
Of course, this wasn’t always a good thing. Or maybe they were? Have you ever wondered whether or not Batman’s presence was responsible for all of the crazies he had to fight? Sometimes, I think I was responsible for this, and a whole lot more fires I had to stamp out.
Still, these few parody posts gave me a laugh and I appreciated them all the same. Take this one for instance:
Thank you /u/GaryGrayII for the inspiration
I have a theory about Kimahri and one of his deepest darkest secrets. I believe I know the real reason why he barely speaks, and why the Ronso treat him so disrespectfully Its clear to me that Kimahri is a failed transgender Ronso who entered into a life of sexual depravity after his surgery went awry.
First of all, I would like to make it clear that the Ronsos dont hate Kimahri for being transgendered.
The Ronsos are inclusive of most sexual preferences. It is clear that they are accepting of gays because Biran and Yenke are a gay couple who have achieved high status in the Ronso community.
In FFX the Ronso value their horns as if it was their penis. For all we know it might be.) We also know that Biran was the one who removed Kimahris horn because he was jealous of his. Strong spirit.
You might be wondering, why is this theory so odd? That’s because it’s a parody of a post I wrote. True, nothing in Final Fantasy III indicates that the characters are in the LGBT community. But hey, I thought it was interesting. It was a post I wanted everyone to see!
Then TheRealness408 happened…to make an hilarious post poking fun at my idiocy! This post was pure, unadulterated, high level satire of the outlandish topics I wrote. And so now, I’m writing a commentary about it on a website entitled FinalFantasyBlog.com. The absurdity pretty much came full circle.
But really, how can anyone be angry at a post like this? Everyone who read it knew what TheRealness408 was doing, and who the post was mocking. Everyone was in on the joke. For those who weren’t, it was just another weird post no one saw coming. Or no one bother to comment on. And they stayed far, far away from the both of us.
But I loved it. I knew exactly what he was doing too, and I laughed out loud! Sure, it was kind of insensitive. And my post wasn’t meant to be satire (though I can’t blame anyone who took it that way). But it’s gems like this that make /r/FinalFantasy interesting!
So now we have the theory:
Heres my theory. Kimahri and Biran used to be lovers, but one day Kimahri revealed his true desire to be a transgender. This angered Biran and caused him to end the relationship. Biran was so upset that he told Kimahris secret to the entire Ronso community in a jealous attempt to slander Kimahris name.
This plan backfired however, as most of the community accepted Kimahri for wanting to change. In all honesty, they suspected it all along because of his feminine stature and demeanor. This only made Biran even more angry and jealous.
One day, in a jealous rage, Biran challenged Kimahri to a public contest of strength. Biran won this competition, but it did nothing to break Kimahris spirit. So in his anger, Biran broke Kimahris horn in such a way that it would be impossible to have his surgery. This drove Kimahri into deep depression and he exiled himself from the rest of the Ronso.
During his exile, Kimahri ran across Auron as he was dying. Auron told him about Yuna, Braska, and Sin. This drove Kimahris depression into madness. When Auron asked Kimahri to save him, Kimahri began to use his half broken horn to have sex with Auron until he died.
Yenke Ronso witnessed the entire incident and told Biran, who told the rest of the Ronsos what Kimahri did, and this is why the became ashamed. This also got Yenke his position of power as Birans lover.
After this, Kimahri became very sexually confused and became attracted to humans. Especially Yuna. However, he knew that he couldn’t act on his desires and risk the humiliation he faced with the Ronsos. So because of this he rarely speaks for fear of anyone learning his true desires.
This scene is the last piece of evidence as to how depraved Kimahri has become. Near the end of the game we see Kimahri come as close as possible to living out his sexual fantasies during Tidus and Yunas water sex scene. Notice how Kimahri is there during the whole scene… Watching them…. Most likely doing other stuff too.
tl;dr Kimahri wants to fuck you.
Edit: Weird formatting.
I have nothing more to add.
Bravo, TheRealness408! Your theory is top notch in my book 👍