How might Westerner newcomers to Final Fantasy through might see Final Fantasy XV?

Conan O’Brien knows enough about RPGs, that “there’s always a crystal, always a crystal – right? Or a ring…” He knows this is a “Japanese” game. But this is a conscious effort for Square Enix to branch out to a more Western audience. Yet, within the first few minutes, Conan’s pushing a car and Western gamers new to RPGs will echo this sentiment:

Conan: “What is this? We’re on a magical journey and we’re pushing a car to Las Vegas? Wait, is this literally happening? Are we pushing a car through a desert? Why is this a game?”

Yep, pretty anti-climactic from a Westerner’s perspective. Japanese games start slow and build. Westerner games usually start with a BANG! Japanese games are also quirky – in an unbelievable way…

Conan: “Good thing we had a Coleman tent in our jacket.”

Elijah Wood: “Wait Wait! Where’d they get all this gear? And-and the chips? They got a bag of chips??”

Conan: “Those jackets have deep pockets.”

Games do this. But Final Fantasy XV is realistic, remember? So far, they’re unimpressed with the “fantasy based on reality”. In fact, they’re mocking it because they don’t think it’s realistic enough. Plus, people in real life don’t act the way they do in anime. Such as, what do guys really talk about…

Elijah: “They read about a dress?”

(audience cringe laughs)

Conan (looking directly at the camera): “Yep, that’s what guys like to do when they’re on their own.”

Elijah (mocking tone): “We have to go check out the dress.”

Conan (mocking tone): “Let’s go check out that dress…we’ve read about in the papers.” (chuckles)

Elijah: (laughter) “Who came up with this?”

“Guys talk like this, right?” Sarcasm. And no. Bros in their twenties generally don’t. Imagine, a bunch of male game developers in a room they rarely leave developing an all-male cast. The bros then set off catching frogs, questing for Nissin cup noodles and checking out dresses. This isn’t very believable to them as a “bro thing”. So now Conan and Elijah are mocking the script. And who still reads the “papers” when they have the internet in this universe? Continuing to poke holes in the script:

Conan: “Hey did the guy fix our car!?”

Andy Richter: “He did, but instead of the car [he explains about riding chocobos]”

Conan: “Why’d we get the car fixed, and spend so much time getting the car fixed, when you can get on a chicken and move around much more easily?”

Andy: “…I don’t know.”

Neither will most players who have to think about it. You see, this is why Conan made fun of this part of the game. He’s hinting, using a minor non-spoiler detail no less, that the game isn’t going to make much sense. And there are certain narrative elements in Final Fantasy XV that will lose players. Later, when they meet the Adamantortoise, Conan provides a valuable hint:

Conan: “Could’ve started the game with this thing.”

Yes, a powerful intro. Sakaguchi already understood this very well since Final Fantasy VI & VII. Elijah Wood ends up defeating the Adamantortoise…kinda:

Elijah: “Was that it? That was the battle?”

Conan: “What? Did something happen?”

Elijah: “That’s it. Wha-”

Andy: “When you, when you, when you…that was just to suss him out. And then when you actually battle him it takes three real days-”

(audience gasp in horror, groan in disbelief and slight disgust)

Conan: “WHAT’S THE POINT OF ALL THIS!!!?” “WHY WOULD SOMEONE PLAY THIS GAME!!!”

We know now it’s only about an hour’s worth of real-time battling. But the interesting question is: why did they choose these scenes to give to Conan? A master satirist who’s able to poke holes in a script to find out the absurd? They let him play the game the way we would when first playing it. The weird side questing? The lack of a cohesive story? The personality quirks? It’s why Conan describes Final Fantasy XV as such:

Conan: “This whole thing is like an epic…blue balls waste of time.”

Conan: “An aggressive wasting of our time.”

Conan: “I don’t know what we achieved, I don’t know what we were trying to achieve, I have no sense of satisfaction.”

Conan (referring to Iris and Nocis): “This sums up this game perfectly. A guy and a girl sitting on a bed in a motel, chatting – NOTHING. HAPPENING.”

The story was so lackluster it was able to distract Conan from the awesome gameplay.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is our Western gamer. I hate to admit it, but it’s what a big chunk of new players think about Final Fantasy XV. They’re going to think Japanese developers wasted too much time appeasing gamers on graphics and forgot about the coherent narrative. All style and no substance. Japanese developers are notorious for not doing their homework when marketing to other countries. And I think they’re going to have to rethink how they market their games to a Western audience.